


I Can't Stop (Loving You)

by ladyshmelton



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24992272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyshmelton/pseuds/ladyshmelton
Summary: The bass thumps through his body, nearly hard enough to sync his heart to the beat. Magnus pushes himself harder, eager to lost himself in the grinding bodies around him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows it is a futile endeavor. It didn’t work last night; it didn’t work the three nights before that. It hasn’t worked in the four years since he last saw him. Yet he keeps trying. Keeps showing up to the various clubs and bars, hoping that some nameless stranger will be the one to drive him from his mind. When the morning sun rises and he inevitably watches his latest conquest stammer an excuse before making their walk of shame, he hates himself a little more.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 65





	I Can't Stop (Loving You)

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at smut. Practice makes perfect, I guess? Constructive criticism welcome; outright hate not accepted.
> 
> Closer songfic. If you haven't watched the Youtube video with Harry Shum Jr. dancing while Kina Grannis sings, you're missing out. Enjoy!

The bass thumps through his body, nearly hard enough to sync his heart to the beat. Magnus pushes himself harder, eager to lost himself in the grinding bodies around him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows it is a futile endeavor. It didn’t work last night; it didn’t work the three nights before that. It hasn’t worked in the four years since he last saw _him_. Yet he keeps trying. Keeps showing up to the various clubs and bars, hoping that some nameless stranger will be the one to drive _him_ from his mind. When the morning sun rises and he inevitably watches his latest conquest stammer an excuse before making their walk of shame, he hates himself a little more.

Especially since each time the door slams shut, he remembers how the door shut behind _him_ and any lingering euphoria disappears into a swirl of panic and self-hatred.

But for now, Magnus keeps trying. The morning remains a distant concept with the night just getting started. He is only three drinks into the night. The body currently pressed against his moves with the sensuality of a trained dancer. She might be one; they are only a handful of blocks from the one of the dance theaters in Brooklyn. While he tends to avoid Brooklyn, Cat insisted they give this new club a try. Pandemonium opened only a few weeks ago and already made a name for itself in its flashing lights, top shelf liquor, and tightly packed dance floor. Of course, Cat had been called into work less than an hour before they were set to leave. Something about an accident on the Brooklyn Bridge? Honestly he quit listening after she said she couldn’t make it. Magnus had already been dressed. He couldn’t waste a perfectly good outfit and his makeup had looked particularly on point tonight.

And that’s how he wound up grinding shamelessly against yet another body, the dancer lost in the constant sway of people moving through the dance floor. He tosses his hands into the air as the beat drops in the newest song change. His sheer maroon shirt sticks to this sides, his chest (blatantly on display courtesy of the deep V of his shirt) glistening with a sheen of sweat. A new dance partner presses themselves to his back. Magnus allows himself to lean against them, pressing his body against theirs. He reaches back and grips strong shoulders as he sways his hips in time with the beat. His eyes slip shut as large hands latch onto his hips and pull him closer until his ass his pressed tight to their hips. The hands help guide their movements together, just a touch off the beat. Which is just like _him_ , always just a bit off-beat, as if he couldn’t quite figure out how to sync his movements to the song. Magnus tried to teach him, of course, but he had been adorably hopeless –

Magnus cuts off that train of thought. He didn’t come to Pandemonium to think of _him_. He came to Pandemonium to find another replacement to dull this relentless heartbreak for another night. Driven by that desperation, he flips around and presses his lips to whatever part of the person behind him he can find. He lands on a patch of skin that must be part of a neck and latches on. The open-mouthed kisses (bordering on hickeys) he leaves draw a groan from the person – a man, by the deep timbre of his groan – to whom he finds himself attached. Magnus sucks on the patch of skin, nibbling a bit to ensure the mark bruises a deep shade of purple. The hands on his hips move slowly, almost hesitantly, around to cup his ass. Magnus moans at the contact. Driven by the lust building in him, he presses himself up to capture the stranger’s mouth. He misses by just a bit, not having looked at the other man’s face yet due to keeping his eyes firmly pressed shut, and finds himself kissing a stubbly jaw. Which is _just fine_ in his book. After all, _he_ had a stubbly jaw most of the time they dated, and it resulted in some of the best sex Magnus ever had. Slowly, he maps the man’s jawline until he finds he finds soft lips.

Those soft lips part easily for him. Tongues twist together in a fight for dominance. Magnus refuses to back down. He only ever let _him_ win. Giving some stranger that same power feels… _wrong_ , somehow. As if Magnus was giving up some deeper part of him. Call it vulnerability or insecurity or any words the imply he is _less than_ in some way, but Magnus refuses to give in. Eventually, the stranger tightens his hands on his hips and groans as he gives in. Magnus hums in victory and runs his hands up the man’s shoulders into his hair. He tugs lightly on the strands. This startles a gasp out of his partner.

All at once, Magnus freezes. That gasp throws him back four years to the last time he was with _him_. His gasps had sounded just like that. None of his partners in all this time had sounded like him, something for which he was simultaneously heartbroken and thankful. If every lover he took to his bed sounded like _him_ , he would have given up sex long ago. How could he ever explain to his one-night stands that his sudden inability to move for a few moments as he reminded himself of where he was and who he was without? Now, he forces himself to breathe out (in pants, but it still counts) and presses his forehead into the stranger’s shoulder. He isn’t ready to look up and see a different face than the one for which he still yearns. The stranger allows this for a few moments. Then, when it became clear that Magnus wasn’t going to raise his head again, the stranger brings one hand up to cup his chin and attempts to pull his face out of its hiding place. Magnus squeezes his eyes shut and fights to keep his head buried. The emotions hit him harder than he expected. He just wanted another night of forgetting, another night of chasing away the pain with alcohol and a good fuck. Is that too much to ask?

The hand stops trying to force his chin up and instead moves to brush through his hair gently. The other hand moves from his butt back to his hips. They still stand in the center of the dance floor, but now they sway gently while the crowd around them bounces and grinds to whatever pointless song plays. Magnus supposes absently that he should feel embarrassed. Who freaks out in the middle of making out on a dance floor? Who wants to comfort such a hot mess of worn-out emotions? After several moments, Magnus feels the wave of memories disguised as emotions recede, leaving a dull ache in his head and in his heart. He breaths out and lifts his head, intent on apologizing for his freak-out. However, he freezes all over again at seeing the face peering down at him.

Because it’s _him_. How can it be _him_? He had been in…not New York last time Magnus checked. And he had checked, over and over, for two years, until he realized that _he_ never updated his social medias. Until he was informed, rather brusquely, by Raphael that Facebook was just an approved method for stalking. (He had dropped off of social media after that in another attempt at distancing himself from _him_.)

The hand on his hip tightens. “ _Magnus_ ,” Alec breathes, because of course it’s Alec, his Alexander, that he would find in Brooklyn. Magnus avoided Brooklyn all these years so he would avoid accidently running into him here, in the off chance he had returned to his hometown. A slightly hysterical laugh bubbles out of him. The one night he allows himself to wander, alone, into Brooklyn and this is what he gets.

Alec furrows his brows, clearly confused at the sudden outburst of laughter. Magnus tries to push away, tries to lose himself in the mass of bodies around them, tries to _run_ because he isn’t ready for this right now. He’s three drinks too far gone and this conversation needs to happen with coffee, not martinis. Yet Alec maintains his tight hold on his hip. His other hand slides down to grip Magnus’s bicep. “It’s really you,” he murmurs.

Anger flashes through him. “Of course it’s me. I’m not the one who ran. Or did you forget our last encounter four years ago?” Magnus plants his hands on Alec’s chest and _pushes_ in attempt to wrench himself free. He absolutely does not focus on how firm the pecs beneath his hands are or how strong Alec’s grip is around his hips. “Let me go, Alec,” he snaps.

Instead Alec pulls him closer. They press together, chest to thigh, Alec’s arms moving to wrap around his hips so his hands press into Magnus’s back. He feels them begin to sway again, Alec moving them in his still slightly-off-beat rhythm. “Dance with me, Magnus. Just one more song and then allow me the chance to explain. I owe you that, at least.”

Magnus wants to remain strong. He wants to shove Alec away and demand answers _now_ , damnit. But…isn’t this what he was searching for all these years? Hunting through various clubs across New York City for someone who matched him as perfectly as Alec in every way. Now that he has the real thing flush against him again, he finds his resolve wavering. He wants to run; he wants answers; but most of all, he wants to sink into this solid embrace and allow it to soothe the soul-deep ache within him. “You have one song.”

Alec presses his forehead against Magnus’s, eyes closing as he breathes out in obvious relief. Magnus sways with their movement, attempting to hold onto his anger even as it reduces to a mild simmer. He wants to fight Alec, to yell and rant and rave about the injustice of him leaving so suddenly. It’s been four years. No calls. No letters. Nothing to indicate that Alec remembered him or cared. Bitterness and hurt well up beside the anger. He shakes with the effort of suppressing them, of not unleashing years of pain on Alec. Alec, who notices his trembling and holds him tighter for it. Who slowly drops his head just a few more inches to hesitantly press his lips against Magnus’s.

Though not their first kiss of the night, is startles Magnus enough to forget the emotions crushing his chest in a vice grip. Now that he knows _Alec_ is the one kissing him, everything changes. He relishes the taste of _Alec_ on his tongue. His heart stutters a staccato beat, as if sending him a message in Morse code: _Yes, this one, this one fits, after all the stumbling around and searching and here it is._

As the song changes to something with a snappier beat, the kiss catches fire. Magnus presses tighter against Alec, his hands moving up to his neck and hair. He tugs against the strands that tangle in his rings. Alec breaks the kiss and groans. His hands move back down to Magnus’s ass, groping him shamelessly. They pant against each other, grinding to the beat. Magnus wraps one ankle around Alec’s calf in a desperate bid to get closer. Alec’s hands tighten further, helping him maintain his balance as his hips snap forward of their own volition.

“Magnus,” Alec gasps. “We need to get out of here.”

He agrees wholeheartedly. But with his apartment no longer in Brooklyn (how could he stay here when everything reminded him of Alec?), there is nowhere close for them to go. “Where –”

“I have a car outside,” Alec murmurs, breath ghosting over his ear as he leans in to nibble on it. Magnus shivers and nods. That will work. They don’t break apart as they stumble through the club. Magnus crowds close to Alec, hands continuing to wander over his body and tugging incessantly at his hair. Alec’s hands move back to the small of his back and flex, fingertips digging in as he pulls Magnus after him. Somehow they manage to make it out the door without falling over. The cool night air washes over them, drying their sweat-damp clothes. Alec pulls him down the street to a side alley. A few vehicles are scattered up and down the alleyway. Alec leads them to a black Range Rover with tinted windows. Magnus barely has a moment to notice these small details before his back slams into the side of it. Alec immediately plasters himself against him, mouth hot and demanding on his. Magnus goes with it. He allows Alec to dominate the kiss and their actions, because isn’t this what he wanted? Someone to take control again after four years of going through the motions?

Alec’s hands slip under his shirt, fingertips wandering over sweat-damp skin. Magnus wraps one leg around Alec’s hip. He moans at the feeling of Alec’s erection pressed against his, despite the layers of clothing between them. He wants to let go, to throw off their pants and beg Alec to take him here, against Alec’s car in the dirty alley. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Magnus thinks he should be embarrassed by how easily Alec slipped back under his defenses. His heart broke when Alec left, yet just a couple of words and a few desperate touches has him practically bending over for this man.

Conscious thought scatters into the wind when Alec’s mouth moves to his neck. Teeth nip at the soft skin behind his ear, wrenching another moan from Magnus. All these years later and Alec still knows where to touch him to drive him wild. His fingers tremble as they slide down to the hem of Alec’s shirt and dragging it up. _Those abs_. They remain as sculpted as he remembers. He traces the divots between them with his fingertips. Alec pants against his neck at the featherlight touch.

“We should actually get into the vehicle,” he manages to mutter between those desperate inhales. Magnus nods but makes no move to disentangle himself from the other man. He continues to work his way up Alec’s torso with his hands, fingers digging into pecs dusted with hair. Alec mutters something that sounds like “tease” while he fishes the car keys out of his pocket. He pulls Magnus away from the vehicle long enough to pull open the door and shove him through it.

Time goes a bit funny from there. Magnus loses his clothes somewhere along the line, but so does Alec, so he doesn’t worry about that too much. He remembers a tongue licking across his nipple while fingers fumble with his elaborate belt. He splays out along the backseat, clutching at Alec’s hair as warm heat engulfs his cock. He shouts, needing more of that, because _Alec’s mouth_ …but then time does a weird thing again and he’s suddenly on all fours, Alec’s fingers pressing gently into him. Fingers coated with lube, and _where had that come from?_ But he doesn’t ponder on that too much, because those fingers always were so much longer than his own and they crook _just_ right -- he blinks and finds Alec plastered to his back, biting at the intricate Indonesian tattoo inked into his shoulder. Alec groaning “This is new” as he continues to mouth over the black ink. Something about his mouth on the tattoo, coupled with the frantic thrusts of Alec’s hips causes his vision to white out. He comes with a hoarse cry of “ _Alexander_ ” before time fades away again.

When time reorients itself, he finds himself on his side, snuggled between the backseat and Alec. A soft blanket covers them from the hips down. A large hand runs sweeps gently over his back, running down to the small of his back just above the blanket before easing back up to his shoulders. The touch grounds Magnus. He focuses on it as he blinks back to full awareness.

“Hrm,” he manages to mumble. Apparently not full awareness, then.

Alec chuckles, low and soft. “You okay?”

Magnus clears his throat. “Better than.”

They lapse back into silence. His arms are caught between them, but he takes that as his chance to wrap one hand around a bicep and tangle the other in Alec’s chest hair. They have much to discuss (including the surprise sex they just had in the back of a car, of all places), but he contents himself with existing in this little bubble for now. Alec seems to have the same thought as he presses kisses into Magnus’s hair.

A vibration from the floor pulls him from the sleepy afterglow. They both freeze. When the vibration repeats itself a few moments later, Alec grumbles and reaches to dig for the offending cell phone. Apparently Magnus’s phone is the culprit, as Alec passes it to him after rooting around the floorboards. He winces when he sees several texts from Cat lighting up the notifications bar. Apparently she managed to leave the emergency call from work much quicker than expected. “Cat just arrived at the bar. She was supposed to be with me earlier but got called into work. My disappearance is worrying her.”

Alec nuzzles his forehead. “Can you…make something up? I-I know we have…a lot to talk about, especially after… _that_ …and I would rather not leave you yet.”

He pauses, biting his lip in thought, before typing up a quick reply to Cat’s query.

>>> _12:06 am From: Cat_

_Magnus where are you?!_

_You sent me pics of the shot you did so I know you’re here somewhere._

>>> _12:15 am From: Magnus_

_Srry met a friendd_

_Am safe. Will call u 2mrrw._

After sending the short texts, he tosses the phone back onto the floorboards. He resists the urge to snuggle into Alec’s chest. They have too much to discuss to get lost in the afterglow. He bites his lip, trying to find the right words to start the conversation. In the end, he decides to go with bluntness. “You have a lot of empty space to fill in for me,” he whispers into the peaceful silence between them.

Alec remains silent for a few seconds. Magnus waits, hands stroking gently across the expanse of his shoulders. Hesitantly, Alec starts speaking.

“You…um, you know how things were at home before I left. You and I were good – more than good! Amazing, really. You were the best thing in my life at that time, Magnus.” Alec pauses, hands flexing against the small of Magnus’s back. “But at home…things were…um…they weren’t good. Our parents were fighting constantly. Jace and Isabelle had already moved out, and I wasn’t exactly welcome because of…well…you know why. But Max…was, was caught in all of it. He would call me whenever they yelled too loud for him to drown out or when he needed to escape for the night. He was only 12, Magnus. When they announced their divorce, it started a custody battle.” Alec laughs, cold and humorless. It jars Magnus’s nerves. “Imagine my parents’ surprise when I showed up to challenge them for custody of Max.”

The air leaves Magnus’s lungs in a gasp. Alec challenged his parents. Alec, who hated conflict and sought to protect and find solutions that didn’t involve raised voices. Alec, who had been disowned when he came out to his parents at the confusing age of fifteen. Alec, who loves his siblings with his whole heart and would blow up the very ground he stood on for them. Why hadn’t he… “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

Alec shrugs. “You were busy with your own things. _Phantom of the Opera_ was about to hit Broadway for the first time in thirty years and you were overworked and stressed out about your lead role. I couldn’t add more to your plate with my own worries. Besides, things turned out for the better: I got custody of Max.” He flashes a small smile. Magnus wants to return it, but his heart breaks at the thought that Alec hadn’t felt like he could open up to him. “We had to get out New York after the trial. Mom and Dad…didn’t take the news well. There were rumors of private investigators looking for false information on me to prove that I wasn’t a fit guardian for Max. With Izzy and Jace’s blessing, we ran to Boulder. I know I left suddenly, but I couldn’t tell you anything. I had no clue if Mom and Dad would dare send their people to you for answers.”

Magnus drops his head to Alec’s neck. He remembers their last night together with vivid detail. He had just come off a 14-hour final rehearsal to find his boyfriend of three years frantically packing a duffel bag. The only explanation he had received was that Alec and Max were moving out of state and that he wasn’t invited. Blindsided, he had watched in silence as Alec had thrown his things into the bag and dashed out the door – and out of his life. Four years and he received nothing to indicate that Alec remembered him or cared. All of that, to protect his little brother and provide him with a chance at a life free of fighting and misery. Even Isabelle and Jace had claimed they knew nothing about their whereabouts, though Magnus suspected they were lying. “Did Isabelle and Jace know where you were?”

He shakes his head. “No. I told the judge who oversaw our case, so he could contact someone in the Boulder circuit court to check on us periodically for whatever legal reasons. But that’s it. We took Jace’s shitty Corolla and drove for three days. We slept in the car because I couldn’t afford a hotel.” He nuzzles to Magnus’s hair, clearly needing some kind of physical reassurance for himself. “Luckily, the judge in Boulder knew of a vacant apartment we could rent by the month. I found a job doing manual labor, but we had to live off of my savings for about a month. It was…it was rough. But Max, he flourished out there. He, um, he actually graduated early. Which is why we’re back. He’s going to go to college at Columbia.” Alec huffed out a small laugh. “He’s almost too smart for his own good. I didn’t even know he had applied until the acceptance letter came in the mail. I uh, I probably would have tried to talk him out of it. I still don’t trust Maryse and Robert to pull something in the year and half he has left until he is legally an adult. But he has too much talent to waste. So here we are.”

Magnus clears his throat, fighting through the painful lump of realization. “Who else knows you’re back?”

“Just Izzy and Jace. Max wanted to see them the moment we returned.”

They lapse back into silence. Magnus takes the time to digest all of this information. Alec didn’t flee because of him or anything he did. While that realization soothes the old ache that he did something wrong, it fails to remove the hurt completely from the gaping hole that losing Alec left in him. Even with this realization and Alec wrapped up in his arms, Magnus aches in remembering the weeks following Alec’s departure.

Alec must sense his distress. He shifts them so Magnus is underneath him. One hand cups his jaw, thumb sweeping across his cheekbone. “I never meant to hurt you, Magnus.” The words come out as barely a breath, no louder than what they need to be for Magnus to hear them. “In those years apart, I…I kicked myself for leaving you behind. I should have found a way, should have taken you with me somehow, should have… _done better._ I forget now why I thought it was a good idea to just, just pack up and leave like that. To not even give you a proper goodbye.” Alec presses a soft kiss to his lips, just a brief touch. “I have a stash of letters hidden away at home. All the things I couldn’t tell you, all the times I wanted to tell you I loved you, all the plans I made for us before I ran away.” Alec pauses, brushing his nose gently against Magnus’s. “I…I know that that things are different now. _We_ are different now. But…I’m hoping that, maybe, if you, um, if you’ll let me, I can try to start making it up to you?”

The confidence in Alec’s voice fades to insecurity. For all his declarations of love and wanting a future with Magnus, he doesn’t have hope that Magnus wants those things in return. “Yes, four years is a long time,” Magnus murmurs, twisting his face just enough to press a kiss to Alec’s wrist. “And you’re right: Neither of us is the same person we were four years ago. I have some…scars from when you left, Alec, that will take time to heal. I’m sure you have demons of your own to fight. But not a single day passed that I didn’t think about you.” His heart thuds painfully as if in agreement. “Getting back together…is going to take work. Camille left me with trust issues on top of emotional baggage, and some of those resurfaced after you left. But Alexander, I can’t stop. I can’t stop loving you. God knows I tried, nearly every night for the past four years. And yet…” he brushes a hand through Alec’s rumpled hair. A small smile tilts his lips. “And yet here we are. I love, Alexander, despite the pain of the past.”

A sharp inhale. “I love you too, Magnus.” That crooked smile he had missed so much finally appears, though with a twist of pain to it. “I hear relationships take effort,” Alec murmurs.

“I’m all for effort.” Magnus smiles into the kiss those words earn him. When Alec pulls away, his eyes shine with happiness. “While this has been quite the experience, why don’t we take this party somewhere a bit more comfortable? I’ve had a seatbelt wedged into my back for the better part of twenty minutes.”

Alec laughs. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. Do you…um, mine isn’t too far away, but Max is there…”

“I don’t live in Brooklyn anymore, but you are always welcome at mine, Alexander. The privacy would do us good so we can…reconnect a bit more.” Magnus smirks at him, watching the gentle blush that spreads across his cheekbones. Alec slowly pulls away and begins to separate their clothing from the pile on the floor. They make quick work of dressing before exiting the car and sliding into the front seats. As Alec maneuvers the SUV into the street, he reaches over and slips his hand into Magnus’s. Once their fingers are tangled together, he sighs and relaxes into his seat. Magnus smiles and gently squeezes his hand. Things between them are still far from perfect. But with a little bit of effort, he believes they can find their new normal.


End file.
